If I were in charge...

I would replace service charges with residents’ assemblies and everyone would get a tenner to buy a neighbour something nice once a year…

The following are instructive extracts from the Guild of Residents’ Champions Annual Manual, 2028 Edition:

Preface 

Following the completion of Phase One* of the three year pilot scheme to replace service charges with Residents’ Assemblies, The Guild of Residents’ Champions was established in November 2026, with our first Annual Manual being published the following July. This being our second and current Annual Manual, otherwise known as The Guild of Residents’ Champions Annual Manual, 2028 Edition.

*Phase One was completed when the law came into force requiring that ‘all service charges relating to residential properties are to be held in a dedicated bank account, with all transactions visible to residents.’ As you will be aware as a trainee Residents’ Champion the aforementioned law was drawn up in response to the SHAC Report of February 2026. The report found that in cases that had been brought to tribunal, 63% of landlords were overcharging for services. Prior to the establishment of the aforementioned law, residents were within their rights to request to see the landlords accounts relating to service charge payments, and could take them to tribunal to dispute said service charges, but for some reason most people didn’t bother 🤷🏻‍♀️

Clause 14.a.ii 
The selection of Residents’ Champions by The Guild of Residents’ Champions 

You have been selected as a trainee Residents’ Champion for the following reasons: 

• You live or have lived in a building with service charges 
• You are reliably kind and consistently practical 
• You have indicated you are willing to undergo training in forming and supporting Residents’ Assemblies
• You have demonstrated yourself to be highly unlikely to be a twat 

Upon receiving your copy of this Annual Manual, you will also have been allocated to your Trio. As a Residents’ Champion you will always work with the two other Champions who complete your Trio.* Three heads are better than one, and it helps to share the driving!

*as of the 4th of January 2027, on no account are Residents’ Champions certified by The Guild to refer to their Trio as a ‘threesome’.

Clause 16.d.iii 
The independence and integrity of The Guild of Residents’ Champions 

The Guild of Residents Champions is completely and demonstrably independent from: 

• The government 
• The council
• The landlord 
• The residents 
• The Guild of Residents’ Champions 

Clause 19.a.ii 
Residents’ Champions’ Code of Conduct 

In the course of your duties as a Residents’ Champion you must:

Wear your Guild of Residents’ Champions badge displayed clearly on your person at all times. 

Always come bearing snacks. Below are a few ideas to get you started: 

• Bombay mix sachets
• Hobnobs
• Jerky 
• Instant noodles (where only a pot and small fork are included)
• Grapes
• Milk (for cats)
• Dog treats (for dogs)

Clause 27.e.ii 
The Residential 

Once a group of residents has voted for their building to take part in the pilot scheme, and been accepted onto the scheme by The Guild, you, the Residents’ Champions, may begin preparations for The Residential. 

The criteria for The Residential are as follows: 

• Residents are invited to a residential weekend
• There’s nature
• There’s ice breakers
• There’s a cosy lounge area with a wood burner where two neighbours might chat over a cup of tea and discover they both lost their dads as teenagers.

The Residential must also include instructive workshops on the processes and costs involved in:

• Lift maintenance and repairs
• Roofing work
• Gardening
• Guttering and drainage*

*it is advised that you allocate places at guttering and drainage workshops by a lottery system as they are, in our experience, extremely popular.

Clause 27.e.iii
The Residents’ Assembly

Following The Residential, The Residents’ Assembly can be formed. It should meet once a month on a Sunday afternoon. There’s always a meal together as it’s compulsory that all decisions are made on a full stomach. On no account is the meal to be placed at the end of a Residents’ Assembly meeting, as was recommended in the The Guild of Residents’ Champions Annual Manual, 2027 Edition - ‘hangry’ decision making led to the now infamous Hanover Court Residents Bust Up of September 2027 (RIP Kenneth McCormick**). 

**Hanover Court now has a commemorative bench dedicated to Kenny located in the north west corner of the shared garden. Do pay it a visit should you be stationed there in the course of your duties. 

Clause 27.f.ii
Funds

Once the Residents’ Assembly has begun meeting, the residents and their Champions should decide together if the group is ready to manage their own funds. At this point, the key questions for your consideration as a Residents’ Champions are:

• Who the hell are we to be telling these people whether they can manage their own money? 

Followed by: 

• Who the hell would give this mad group of people who happen to live in the same building and seem to think littering should be a capital offence, shared control of a bank account? 

In the unlikely event that anything goes wrong, The Guild is here to help. 

Clause 31.d.i 
Secret Santa 

You will come to understand through your training that a happy building makes for light work. The heavy lifting for Residents’ Champion is in helping your residents pull together and work as a team. That’s why the guild is endorsing the use of a small portion of Residents’ Assembly funds for an annual Secret Santa*.

*Please note that other gift giving traditions are available and residents are not limited to giving their gifts in December. Perhaps we should call it Secret Neighbour…but, that will have to wait for next year’s Annual Manual.

Epilogue 

The authors of this Annual Manual have a dream that one day in the not too distant future, you, the Residents’ Champions, will be able to support residents to do much more than simply manage the maintenance of their buildings. We imagine a world where residents run their own in-house launderettes, reprographics centres and libraries, all enabled by funds from their own service charge payments. 

Thank you for reading and good luck on your journey as trainee Residents’ Champions. May you carry one or more of The Guild of Residents’ Champions’ mottos in your heart: 

The resident is always right, and we are all the resident
//
Reside, Reside, Reside 
//
Strong and able 
//
I am more than just the jerky in my pocket 
//
This is Organised Love

Elsewhere in Absurdity...

Stella went to see Cleansed by Sarah Kane, directed by Rebecca Frecknall, and then Philosophy of The World at the Yard Theatre.

Also Stella's short film BOUND has been selected for a film festival in Prague! Well done, Stella! 🥰

Tracey visited First Site Gallery in Colchester last week and viewed Godfrey Donkor's 'It's a numbers game' and Arpita Shah's 'Nalini' exhibition, which both explored history, connection and leadership in different ways.

Tracey also attended the Endurance Steel Orchestra Blocorama at Beckenham Place Park this past weekend, which was a joy to experience.

Alanna attended 'Ginsberg at 100' at the Southbank Centre, a celebration of Alan Ginsberg's life at 100 years.